Statues of Forgiveness

A few weeks ago my family toured the battlefield of Gettysburg National Military Park. About a month beforehand, my 14-year-old son read Killer Angels, a classic novel of the Civil War and he surprised all of us, including our licensed guide, with his knowledge of the events of July 1-3, 1863. I was beaming with pride on the outside, but I was dying just a little on the inside. 

Let me tell you why:

I was raised in the South. You might even call it the Old South. I was taught that my belly button was “where the Yankee shot me.” In North Carolina history class the Civil War was the “War of Northern Aggression” and a blatant attack on states’ rights. Being named “Sherman” made you suspect. Confederate flags were emblems of “heritage, not hate.”

Sometimes you know, sometimes you understand

I long ago assented intellectually that those ideas were wrong, and in many regards flat out evil. Perhaps it was my freshman year at the University of North Carolina that kicked in the corrective process and began the construction of a new world view. All that knowledge heaped up on an impressionable 18-year-old will do that.  But we know a whole lot more than we understand, and sometimes it takes a while before knowledge and understanding become the same thing in us.

Knowledge gave way to understanding for me as I toured the Pennsylvania farmland-turned-battlefield.  This war, anything but “civil,” left a gouging and permanent scar on our nation.  Countless others have chronicled the bloodshed, the financial cost and the subsequent rancor between the North and the South. But deep in the psyche of many Southerners lays the systemically placed feelings of defensiveness, embarrassment and shame. Those feelings are not chosen, nor are they all about losing a war.  Those feelings are rooted in something common to all humans, regardless of their relative position to the Mason-Dixon line. Simply put, it is nearly impossible to admit you’re wrong. That you’ve chosen the wrong side. That you’ve committed sin. And that you’ve caused destruction. 

And, yes, slavery was a moral wrong and the root cause of the war.

Though our memories are short on the hard lessons of history, we are still subject to the same foibles. Our blood thirst is unquenched and we still wage wars. We are still greedy, still fight to preserve our own comfortable ways of life and still enslave others, whether through economic, emotional or sexual abuse. We still hate to admit we’re wrong. And as for me, I can’t stand to say I’m sorry.

Limping toward God

Of the 1,400 or so monuments at Gettysburg, the 2005 Maryland monument is the most moving. Now that I’m a Marylander, I made it a point to seek it out. Now that I’m a Marylander, I take pride in it. The monument is a striking bronze sculpture of two men, perhaps brothers, who symbolize the brothers from a divided Maryland who fought on both sides of the war. They are limping as if injured, from the battlefield. Their eyes are firmly fixed ahead, but neither is able to make it forward without the other.

Not a bad metaphor for the church. Wounded, we limp in on Sunday, wondering if Jesus will patch us up again for another week. Leaning on each other, we approach God, knowing we need to say we’re sorry -- to each other and to God -- for the things we have done. 

There is a more familiar statue of forgiveness for Christians, and that is the cross. Jesus’ work upon the cross shows us there is no need for us to be stuck in the shame of our sin. There is only the requirement that we lift our heads up and admit our mistakes to God. 

Only there, before God in confession, can we move past the hot mess of our shame over what we’ve done. And only then, before God in confession, can we stop the long slow dying process, turn toward the light of grace, and grasp ahold of that bright hope that is the kingdom of heaven.

Thursday Aphorism

I don't think I got this from anyone else, if I did, my apologies:

A short memory is grace's good companion.

Unlocking Your Best Relationships - Part 4 - Forgiveness

Study Theme: Unlocking Your Best Relationships

Date: Week of May 25, 2008

Title: Be Ready to Forgive


Bible Passages:
Background Passages: Ephesians 4:17-32; Philemon 1-18
Focal Passages: Ephesians 4:22-32; Philemon 8-10,15-18

Forgiveness is the hallmark of the Christian faith. It is modeled for us and we know instinctively that it is a key to unlocking our best relationships. Yet we struggle to forgive. Why?

In today’s lesson we’re going to examine how relating to others in Christ like ways – including seeking reconciliation with those we’ve wronged and being ready to forgive – builds the relationships that God intends us to have. Through today’s study we’ll work to evaluate the status of fractured relationships in your life and discern stepst to take at renewing and restoring that relationship.

1. Remember You’re a New Person (Eph. 4:22-24)

The first and best step we can take when we recognize a fractured relationship is to remember who we are. As the father of three I probably over-lecture on their identity as members of our family and what our values are. Thus, when they leave home for a date, a sleep over, or some social event I say to them “Remember who you are!” They are known by their last name, but they are also to be known by the values we share as a family.

Paul taught the Ephesians the same lesson – that through Christ’s redemption God created them into new people who are to live a totally new way of life. Their very identity was to be framed by the new person they’d become because of Christ’s work on the cross and in their lives.

Paul teaches in this section that Christianity demands a radical and total break from the past way of life and calls believes to a different direction. The reason for this should be obvious from our experiences in trying to forgive others. Simply put, it is not naturally in human nature to be forgiving. The new people that have come to be because of Christ are capable of living forgiveness because are both recipients of said forgiveness and have seen our hero – Jesus – model that for us.

Because we recognize that we must be forgiven repeatedly for our failings as humans, we can also see that others will need our forgiveness. At each step along life’s journey, believers experience renewal of their innermost core. Basic conversion to Christ must be followed by daily renewal of life and as this shapes our identity, only then can we begin to grow our capacity for forgiveness.


2. Relate to Others Unselfishly (Eph. 4:25-31)

Paul continues to exhort the Ephesian believers to be done with the old and adopt the new. In doing so gave commands relating to contrasts between the old life without Christ and the new life in Christ. This becomes the basis for relating to others in less and less selfish ways as we mature in our identity as Jesus follower. As this identity grows, our capacity for forgiveness grows in tandem with our declining selfishness.

Evidence of salvation in a believer’s life is not only a past experience of trusting Christ but a present life of reflecting Christ. This matters in how we handle our anger. Paul says rightly that anger that goes without being dealt with gives the Evil One a foothold in our lives. Not only do we act unkindly to others, we find that anger festers inside us and eats away at our souls, leaving a bitter shell of a person in untended long enough.

Paul continues his ethics exhortation for the believers in Ephesus. Stop unwholesome talk (a huge barrier to forgiveness!), put off falsehood, speak truthfully to your neighbor, work hard, and build each other up in community. Paul urges them to rid themselves of brawling (at church?!!?), slander, bitterness, rage, and malice.

But it is the final sentence that slams home today’s lesson – forgive each other, just as Christ forgave you. What does that look like practically? To forgive as God in Christ forgave believers is to forgive freely, wholeheartedly, eagerly, and spontaneously. The sins referred to in this passage breaks fellowship and destroys relationship. The Christ like act of forgiveness brings the destructive power of those sins to a grinding halt, even when it may not restore fully fellowship between disgruntled folk.

3. Resolve to Forgive (Eph. 4:32)
Paul reminded the Ephesians that because God in Christ reconciled them to Himself, they too should restore fractured relationships by forgiving others. Christ shines brightest in believers’ lives when they forgive, and the decision to forgive is simply that – it is a decision.

Too often Christians make forgiveness about penance. We say “I’ll forgive him when he makes the situation right.” But that’s not the model of forgiveness shown us in Christ. This passage is a good reminder that we must work at forgiving others.

This is a great time in the lesson to ask your students to silently reflect on their relationships, to consider the ones that are most fractured. What an opportunity this coming week holds for them to evaluate that relationship and make a move toward reconciliation and forgiveness.

Why not take a few minutes at this juncture to pray for your learners and offer a guided prayer that they can join in on to determine if giving our accepting forgiveness is needed in their fractured relationships.

4. Restoration or Revenge? A Case Study (Philem. 8-10,15-18)

Paul appealed to Philemon to accept and restore to his household Onesimus, Philemon’s runway slave whom Paul had met while in prison and had led to faith in Christ. Be careful to note that reconciling with others does not mean that we minimize what was done wrong, nor do we pretend to overlook it. Forgiveness does not mean an immediate return to “normal” or “just as it was before the sin.” Instead, what we need to consider is a process of restoration, depending on the severity of the fractured relationship.

The bottom line is that wrongdoers can have a change of heart but still need help finding a path to wholeness and reconciliation with others. It is only through God’s gracious dealings with us and with others that we can find the motivation to forgive and the power to continue sharing life together. The idea is not to “forgive and forget” as the old cliché goes, but to rather “forgive and learn to live with it.”

The bottom line is that holding grudges is inappropriate for God’s people. Paul’s desire for restoration between Philemon and Onesimus was so deep that he was willing to pay the debt Onesimus owed to Philemon in order that his act might reflect Christ’s greater work of reconciling sinners to God by his death on the cross (2 Cor 5.18-19, 21).

Bonus Teaching Aids

1. For a secular view of forgiveness take a look at the website for the “Campaign for Forgiveness Research” at http://www.forgiving.org/. They monitor the research behind the benefits of forgiving others, as well as the social good gained by forgiving others. Some heady stuff, but also a few interesting tidbits like why forgiving others is good for your own physical health.
2. A currently popular song that illustrates the inability to forgive and the pain that unforgiving attitudes bring is found in the Timbaland song Too Late to Apologize. You can hear the song for free at http://www.youtube.com/.
The lyrics are:
I'm holding on your ropeGot me ten feet off the groundAnd I'm hearing what you sayBut I just can't make a soundYou tell me that you need meThen you go and cut me downBut wait...You tell me that you're sorryDidn't think I'd turn around and say..That it's too late to apologize, it's too lateI said it's too late to apologize, it's too lateI'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for youAnd I need you like a heart needs a beat(But that's nothing new)Yeah yeahI loved you with a fire red, now it's turning blueAnd you saySorry like an angel, heavens not the thing for you,But I'm afraidIt's too late to apologize, it's too lateI said it's too late to apologizes, it's too lateWoahooo woah It's too late to apologize, it's too lateI said it's too late to apologize, it's too lateI said it's too late to apologize, yeah yeahI said it's too late to apologize, a yeahI'm holding your ropeGot me ten feet off the ground...

3. An older song that will popular with your learners who like The Eagles is Don Henley’s The Heart of the Matter. It portrays the strong disappointment of a love gone bad, but that the “heart of the matter” for the singer is forgiveness, even if the other person doesn’t love him anymore. You can also find concert versions of this at http://www.youtube.com/. Here are the lyrics:

I got the call today, I didn’t wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old, true friend of ours was talkin’ on the phone
She said you’d found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside loves open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I’m learning again
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore
These times are so uncertain
There’s a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age?
The trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They’re the very things - we kill I guess
Pride and competition
Cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us
You know it doesn’t keep me warm
I’m learning to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
And the more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I’d figured out
I have to learn again
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me anymore
There are people in your life who’ve come and gone
They let you down you know they hurt your pride
You better put it all behind you baby; life goes on
You keep carryin’ that anger; it’ll eat you up inside, baby
I’ve been trying to get down
To the heart of the matter
But my will gets weak
And my thought seem to scatter
But I think it’s about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
I’ve been tryin’ to get down
To the heart of the matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I’m thinkin’ about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don’t love me
Forgiveness
Forgiveness – baby
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
Forgiveness
ForgivenessEven if, you don’t love me anymore

The Best Spanish Words

I feel like I should tell you the outcome of an earlier post entitled Lo siento. I followed through on the offering of an apology. And I'm glad I did it.

My wife helped me cobble together a few words of Spanish that I hoped, along with a forlorn look, would convey to some of our subcontractors my heartfelt regrets for blowing my cool last week.

I had been going to the house once or twice a day to check on progress, usually early in the morning on on my lunch break. But after my blow up I didn't go to the new house for two full days while the workers were there because I dreaded seeing those guys. I felt like a third grader on the school bus taking home an "F" on a spelling test. When finally I could put it off no longer, I went to the house and sought them out one by one.

My tongue tangled as I offered the Spanish apology, and my hands were hot with shame as I offered it out for a handshake. All three of the men shook my hand and smiled. One said, "De nada."

I found the last one quietly sanding the base board on the stair well. After my "speech" he said in broken English something to the effect of, "No problem, it happen to all person."

Latching on to his response, I tried to explain that I was tired, I was stressed, and so forth. He smiled and nodded like he understood, but he didn't. It was all lost in translation, but not from English to Spanish. It was lost in the translation from one economic strata to another. It was lost in the translation from my stress about a the color of my floor to his stress about making ends meet. It was lost in translation because there was no real reason for me to behave like a horse's ass.

I knew it was lost in translation so I gave up, and went back to the phrase I'd learned. Lo siento. I am to blame. Mea culpa.

He shrugged and went back to what he knew. "De nada." His eyes and slight smile told me that he got the message, so I quit.

The taste of grace and regret mixed in my mouth on the way home, oddly enough like new paint and the dust of wood being sanded. The words "de nada" are all at once bitter and sweet and they are the best Spanish words I know.

The "F" Word

The F Word

Amy Biehl would have been forty years old at the end of August. In the early 1990’s she was a student of Stanford University doing Fulbright Scholar work at University of Western Cape Town in South Africa, and as an anti-apartheid activist she met an untimely and grisly death. On August 25, 1993, a mob of angry blacks pelted her car with rocks, someone hit her in the head with a brick and dragged her from the car. She was beaten and stoned and stabbed to death by her attackers as they hurled racial slurs at her.

Her death was common in those dark ages of apartheid, but this story has an incredibly uncommon ending. You see, four men were convicted and condemned to life in prison for their crime. But remarkably, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission recommended their pardon after serving only five years. Even more astounding is that Amy’s parents supported the pardon. Peter, her father, took the stand as a witness at the hearing and said this:

“The most important vehicle of reconciliation is open and honest dialogue...we are here to reconcile a human life which was taken without an opportunity for dialogue. When we are finished with this process we must move forward with linked arms. ”

The courts granted the pardon for all four men. The story doesn’t end there.

Two of the four men are now working for the Amy Biehl Foundation. Easy Nofemela and Ntobeko Peni have dedicated their lives to the work of the foundation – to prevent violence among youth in South Africa. Linda, Amy’s mother, says,

“I have come to believe passionately in restorative justice. It’s what Desmond Tutu calls u-buntu: to choose to forgive rather than demand retribution, a belief that ‘my humanity is inextricably caught up in yours’…I can’t look at myself as a victim – it diminishes me as a person. And Easy and Ntobeko don’t see themselves as killers. They didn’t set out to kill Amy Biehl. But Easy has told me that it’s one thing to reconcile what happened as a political activist, quite another to reconcile it in your heart.”

This is the same hard truth that Jesus taught about forgiveness. He hinted at the wideness of God’s mercy for humans when he said we should be generous in forgiving one another “seven times seventy.” He illustrated uncommon determination to forgive rather than demand retribution when he stood silently before his accusers and later died an innocent death. And in the story of Peter – the disciple who thrice denied Jesus only to be later forgiven and restored – we marvel at how the gospel of grace forever changes the course of a life.

The amazing power of the gospel of grace lies in this one truth: That the reconciliation of all three of these men – Easy, Ntobeko, and Peter – led to them change from within and become champions for the vision of the one they’d betrayed.

So what about you and me? Do we champion the cause of the Christ who has forgiven us much? Are we as quick to forgive others as we should be? Do we see how failing to forgive others diminishes us as a person? And having been reconciled with another, how do we then “move forward with linked arms?”

I think we need to "Drop the F bomb" more often.